


Let This Hurt Go

by Missmadhatter96



Series: Bleach Phone Fic Collection [14]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst?, Cutting, Depression, Do not post to another site, Explicit Language, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, No Fullbringer Arc, Powerless, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Zangetsu is Shirosaki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:27:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22780978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missmadhatter96/pseuds/Missmadhatter96
Summary: With mechanical like movements, Ichigo dressed for bed.Five years since he'd lost over half his soul.Five years since he'd first woke up and decided he'd rather not.Rated E for scenes of self-harm and language. Please! do not read if you are sensitive to this type of stuff.
Relationships: Hollow Ichigo & Kurosaki Ichigo
Series: Bleach Phone Fic Collection [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1513223
Kudos: 100





	Let This Hurt Go

**Author's Note:**

> Please read tags for warnings. This was written a night ago when I'd rather just hurt myself than sleep. Yes, I have hurt myself when I was younger and I still struggle years later. I used a lot of my own experiences for this story. I tried not to get too detailed in it, I'd rather not give others ideas. If you are thinking of hurting yourself or that the world is 'better off without me' Please, seek help. There are so many who care about you and will listen. Don't give up. Much love, Mad.
> 
> I do not own Bleach.

Would anyone miss me?

Would anyone grieve for me?

Will they forget me?

Will they disown me?

Would they care, if I was gone?

Would you?

-

Ichigo pressed the blade to yet to be marked skin of his thigh. When had it come to this? He wondered. Saving the three worlds and then being shoved aside by his so called "friends". Couldn't even spare him a visit in the last five years of being powerless.

He watched the blood well up and run down his leg. Doing it in the shower was less hassle but today had been emotional and Ichigo was done. Needed the relief feeling pain brought. Pain he dealt himself and not by another.

Sighing, Ichigo grabbed the spare gauze he's been hiding under the sink. He didn't mean to cut that much. Would he pass out from blood loss? Would they find him if he did?

With mechanical like movements, Ichigo wrapped his wound and dressed for bed.

Five years.

Since he'd lost over half his soul for his friends.

Since he'd first woke up and decided he'd rather not.

He knew depression was hot on his heels since he was twelve. First episode bringing out his irrational anger when usually he was a nice kid. Once he hit fifteen it just got worse with high school but Ichigo hid it well. Like a mask he slips on before leaving his room.

After Rukia quite literally thrust her powers upon him, he'd been feeling like this is what he was meant to do. Save spirits that he's seen all his life. The living had nothing to offer him, his sisters would be okay with goat-face.

But, they tossed him out with garbage once he couldn't preform Bankai anymore. His reiatsu too low for any of his moves due to their strength. More of a burden instead of being helpful. Deep down he knew it wasn't true; Rukia and Byakuya were just protecting him like he's done them. He appreciates it now but then it just added to the weight of uselessness on his shoulders.

Pushing his covers down, he climbed in. They were crisp clean but felt like sandpaper to his new and healing cuts.

It's always at the back of his mind; 'if they find out, I'll stop.' No ones found out. And he hasn't stopped.

Though one day he was sure Mizuiro had figured it out when he felt his thigh was just a tad bit damp when him and Keigo demand he join in for pizza and karaoke.

They never questioned him about it.

He’s taken to wearing a hoodie once he started on his arms. The school uniform has a sweater for winter but nothing for summer.

Ichigo sighed and tossed and turned until he got comfy in his too big bed. He missed his zanpakuto. Both of them. Shiro had taken to cuddling of a night. Ichigo hadn’t mind, they fought but he knew his hollow was him and most importantly his Zangetsu. Ossan was helpful in explaining but of course, Ichigo had to figure it out himself. That had been an exhausting week.

The hours rolled by and soon he was getting ready for school early-like usual, sleep eluded him yet again- he thought of getting a plush animal but then thought against it. Not worth the hassle of trying to explain he was use to sleeping next to someone.

Brushing his teeth trying to ignore the mirror he knows would show dark circles and dry hair, Ichigo grabbed his light jacket and headed downstairs to silence. He’d make the twins lunch then head out to the park before school starts to work on recent assignments he missed.

The rest of the day turned out nice. No annoying Isshin, no gangs on the way to school, no Keigo bugging him during lunch. It was pleasantly warm. A soft smile formed on his lips, gentle breeze cooling him from the summer sun shining overhead on the schools roof.

Ichigo closed his eyes and soaked in the sun. Lunch was just starting but he’s lost his appetite so long ago. Buzzing started at the base of his skull, vertigo hit him harder than the building he landed on.

“My inner world?” Ichigo called out for Zangetsu and Ossan but only the pitter patter of rain met his ears. His clothes and hair soon turned soaked making him shiver.

He could of sworn Zangetsu brought him here. He’d grown so use to the buzzing feeling his hollow brought when wanting to talk in his head or just laze around.

_**“...higo!”** _

Ichigo’s head snapped to a pillar of light falling to the river street below. He’d never seen this before. A glint of metal caught his eye at the bottom once he stepped to the edge.

**_“..chigo!”_ **

Ichigo felt them. Tears prickled his eyes. They were still here...

He stepped back from the edge, removing his jacket and shoes. “Hope this doesn’t kill me..” he muttered under his breath. He sprinted then leapt off the glass, holding his breath before entering with a splash.

The water was dark almost murky. He swam and swam, air getting lower and lower. The only thought on his mind was ‘ _Zangetsu_ ’ he needed him back. Needed them back. He gasped and sucked in water in panic. _No! No, I’m so close! Just...bit more!_

His lungs rebelled, screaming for oxygen. He grit his teeth and pushed forward. Zangetsu hilt was just one more stroke away, he could make out the broken blade sticking from cracked concrete and gravel...his hands shook and his body twitched...

  
-

  
“Ichigo! Ichigo breathe!” Chad rolled his long time friend on his side and water gushed from his lungs as Ichigo coughed; much needed oxygen finally filling his aching lungs.

“C-Chad?” Ichigo wiped water from his eyes and focused. Ishida and Inoue were right behind the gentle giant.

“You’re soaked Kurosaki. When we came up here for lunch, you weren’t breathing and began gurgling water like you were drowning.” Ishida crouched beside him and checked his vitals, he was becoming a doctor after all.

What the three didn’t see when Ichigo sat up was Zangetsu broken Shikai blade clutched like a lifeline in his hand.

“Where’d that come from?” Chad asked once he helped the orangette sit up.

Ichigo smiled in what felt like decades.

“My inner world.”

  
-

  
The gang left school, making their way with confident steps to Urahara’s.

Ichigo still held Zangetsu’s blade. The spilt ran just past the curve by the hilt and ended half way to the blades tip. It was half his soul. He needed to repair him before more damage was dealt.

He halfheartedly wondered, looking at all the marks like someone took an axe and tried to chop it in half were from his self harming.

Ichigo hoped with his hollow heart that that wasn’t the case. Causing undue harm on his longtime friend made him feel guilty.

“Kurosaki-san! I see you are regaining reiatsu. And quite fast too. Come in, come in!” Urahara stepped aside for the four teens, offering tea.

Ichigo was still feeling the affects of almost drowning and accepted the tea, everyone sat at their usual spot just like old times. Tessai brought the tea after a moment. Then they began.

He sat Zangetsu's broken blade on the table with care. “I almost drowned for him. How do I fix them?”

Urahara studied the blade without touching. He knew his reiatsu was coming back and fast, the boys friends would be fine, having grown up around the hybrid.

“Hmm... Quite interesting indeed. Have either spoken since returning from your inner world?” Ichigo shook his head no before taking a sip of steaming tea.

“I heard half my name but that was it. You think if I went back I’d find them?”

“Depends. How’d you end up there to begin with?” Urahara tapped his fan on the table, Tessai soon returned with a tablet. “At 1:15 this afternoon, Soul Society recorded a strong spike of hollow energy; I’m assuming this was when you returned to the living?” All of them nodded. “They will most likely come to the conclusion it is our young Kurosaki-kun. You are the only known Vasto Lorde class in the world of the living currently. And Harribel-san, but she is in Hueco Mundo.” Urahara paused, fanning himself cool in the tense silence.

Ichigo’s ear twitched, hearing his name again but clearer. “Basement. Get equipment set up for tests, I’m going back in.” He stood and grabbed his zanpakuto, heading for the hatch.

“My, I haven’t seen him so lively in years.” Urahara mused, following the almost twenty year old.

  
-some hours later-

  
With everything set up and Urahara hovering behind his monitors, Ichigo inhaled and released before turning to his friends.

“Ishida, Inoue, you’ve seen us full resurrection before,” he didn’t want to bring this up. His hollow victory against Ulquiorra wasn’t a fight he ever wanted to remember, but, they needed to know. “This time won’t be the same but I will be under and Zangetsu won’t be in control. I can’t-“ Inoue hugged him, cutting off his terrible explanation.

“Ichigo, we trust you. I’m not a scared sixteen year old anymore. We will protect you as you have us.” She finished with a smile. This was why they were his best friends. They all had each other’s backs. Even with the recent rift between them, they stayed.

“Thanks, Inoue.” He looked to Ishida, the Quincy holding his hands up, “I’m not hugging you, Kurosaki.” Ichigo laughed. Chad gave a thumbs up.

He nodded and picked up the broken blade, heading to the center of Urahara’s container.

“Now, if it becomes too much, come back; you can always try tomorrow.” Urahara said while punching buttons, fixing everything to match his reiatsu output.

Ichigo nodded and Urahara gave him a comforting smile. He believed his once student would be just fine.

“Thank you Kisuke. For everything.”

Inhale, exhale.

Urahara slammed his cane to separate Ichigo’s soul from his body.

Everything went white.

  
-

  
_**“Fuckin’ finally! You know how long it’s been?! Five fuckin’ years!”**_ Ah he’s missed this. Ichigo opened his eyes to be greeted by his hollow leaning over him.

“Missed you...” Ichigo reached out, cupping Zangetsu pale cheek.

 ** _“Don’t get soft on me now, King.”_** Zangetsu smirked, moving to lay beside his wielder like they use to when he couldn’t sleep.

Ichigo sighed at the familiar warmth. Drifting in a light slumber.

 _ **“Ya need to fix us, King.”** _Zangetsu regrettably broke the comfortable silence.

“How?”

 ** _“Let go.”_** Ichigo sat up, back missing the heat of the other.

“Let go of what? I’ve moved on from Rukia and them..what more do I have to do?”

Zangetsu pushed his wielders shihakusho sleeves up, dozen of pale scars with old and new cuts on display. Ichigo looked away from his hollows eyes. He foolishly hoped they wouldn’t find out...

 ** _"I know it’s tough, but you don’t need to do this anymore,”_** Zangetsu pulled Ichigo close at the first sign of tears. **_“We’ll get through it. You aren’t alone anymore.”_** He kissed his wielders forehead gently.

The air around them became violent, wind whipping their clothes like they were in a hurricane. Ichigo cried harder than he had since his mother died. Neither noticed the duel blades form beside Ichigo before they both left his inner world and the storm behind.

  
-

  
The three young adults prepared themselves for a fight once Ichigo went under. His mask formed fast and soon after his resurrection lined his skin and a hollow hole opened up. Ichigo didn’t move but he soon had tears streak his marked cheeks. His kosode and shitagi burned up in the burst of reiatsu once his mask had formed, leaving him in his hakama.

Inoue had cried for her friend upon seeing his cutting scars and recent acts of self harm. The damage had moved to his soul form.

Chad also had tears fall. He blamed himself for not noticing. He vowed to help however he could.

Ishida had looked away. He hid his emotions well, but seeing Ichigo reminded him of a friend he couldn’t save. No one knew about the other cause he never shared.

They were all startled as Ichigo released a howl and sank to his knees, soon hiccuping and sobbing into his hands. Zangetsu reformed into two blades at his knees.

Soon his resurrection fell away, Zangetsu materialized behind his wielder and hugged him from close, hushing his wails.

Inoue, kind hearted Inoue, ran over and sank to her knees beside the pair, enveloping both in her slim arms. Zangetsu glanced at her, feeling her arm across his back as odd considering the last time he saw her. He rested his cheek back onto Ichigo’s bowed head, welcoming the kind girl but also ignoring her.

His King would need all the help he could get in the path to recovery. He’d be there every step of the way.

**Author's Note:**

> I love you all so much.  
> Thank you for reading.


End file.
